Thursday, 7 August 2014

I talk. A lot.


A lot. Really.

Imagine a carrier truck which is carrying 20 SUVs. Now imagine a Nano inside each SUV, and Bajaj Chetaks between the busty bumpers of all the SUVs. On both tiers. Quite a house full, no? Wait, I’m not finished yet. Know too that the driver decided to take his wife and his triplets for a joy ride, and each baby carried three of the biggest toys they had, and the mother a diaper bag the size of all three babies put together. She had to, what are you a, non-parent? Anyway, there’s more. It rained so the driver gave a ride to a muscled man with a chest as wide as a carrom board who actually had the heart of a kitten and so he was taking the stray goat in his hands to the hospital. Fully grown adult goat, no kid-ding. His bicycle of course had to be adjusted between the door of the carrier and one scooter, where a family of babblers were hitching a free ride in the rain.  

Doesn’t that sound a lot? Packed! Well, when translated into a quantity that’s how much I talk. 

But that’s just me. 

You see, I tried to talk my way out of my mother’s womb the moment I stopped looking like a cross between a fish, a sea horse and a unicycle. I resorted to polite convincing first but all I heard in return were sounds of the blender making goodies for my daddy. I spoke my heart out to my surroundings but how much can you talk to the walls? Bloody ones at that! Soon as legs came along I tried kicking to let me out, for I wanted to talk and was bored of ‘Wilson’ from ‘Castaway’ I had imagined on my U-chord to communicate with. Once I hugged it so tight the doctor’s eyes popped out while looking at the ultrasound as if it was her neck I held. I could have, for who uses forceps on a baby? Look how my head is shaped now. Anyway, point being, no one heard me talk. If I had a pen I would have written my stories on the womb’s wall. Finally one day, I came out. Talking, of course.  

And I haven’t stopped. I can’t. If there is something to be said, I will talk. If there isn’t, I will still talk. Like right now, and I’m not half-way done yet. But you seem to be reading like a true friend and I take that as encouragement to continue. This post is 1500 words long. Love. Hugs. Muah!

So, I can talk in any position and on any topic. 

I can hang upside down from trees like an opossum and deliver sermons on how to live a very straight life. Palm facing front, calm on the face, pearls coming out my mouth and being hurriedly noted in diaries called ‘Life’s Little Instruction Book’. Or so I assume. But I must sound wise. I must. You see, why else would my husband stand at the bathroom door every morning?

Oh, I mean I have to talk to him as I scrub Lux body wash in the shower. He shaves his stubble near the door. I have to talk, and he has to hear me over the water. No time like a fresh morning to motivate those men to go work, earn the bread, we love you dear, get the dry cleaning, we need new buckets, I will kill the maid, can we buy shoes today. Why am I asking? Of course we can! Come in time. With a towel on my head and feeling fresh I do come out talking too. How else do you think I ask why he is shaving on the bathroom doormat and not at the basin? These men can drive us crazy!

Drive! 

My driving instructor warned me he was talkative while he taught. Poor guy! Three weeks and I saw a shiny pond appear in the middle of his head. For the first hour of the first day he regaled me with heroic tales of how he has driven trucks and buses and maybe both together on roads half the size of my middle finger. When I began talking, he looked as if the trucks ran over him. Well, one almost did once. I was busy telling him about a neighbour who was so handsome, so handsome that I wanted to propose to him and for sure my parents wouldn't mind because why should they? Huh? We women have rights and we are not bound by another’s shackles and oh I want to become his wife and cook for him and bear him kids and dare anyone get in the way of this alpha-beta-gamma heart of mine when he had to scream to remind me the two headlights approaching me head-on belonged to a truck and not two motorcycles. I did stop talking, of course. It was scary, so scary that for that one second I thought I was going to die and then, on the way back, I told driver uncle my philosophy of death and how sad I was my goldfish died and how best to keep their water clean, in 101 steps. 

Water reminds me… 

I can talk underwater too. Okay, maybe not much but I do try. I was told try, try, try and you will succeed. God bless Ramadev ji, or was it Chetan? Once I did speak a whole sentence under water in the pool, complimented a pair of feet with night-glow nail polish and how they matched the frill of the costume but before I reached the full stop in went the water and up rose the gorge. Yes, the French fries came out quite intact. So interesting! They are one-piece even in the depths of the innards? Anyhow, the nail polish shrieked and left the pool. Oh well, now I always get traffic-free laps, as I talk to the blue tiles 12 feet below me. I just wonder why the life-guard doesn’t want to hear about my FB life when I back-stroke? Probably because he is yet to open an account? Dinosaur! 

Where was I? Yes. So, I talk on dance floors till my partner forgets his steps, excuses himself to go to the loo and runs off from the ventilator. I talk in crystal clear language even in my dreams, so much so I have been offered the job of a Communications Manager for a best-selling author. I refused, of course. What kind of a man cuts his girlfriend into half? Sheesh! Oh, and I’m quite a stunt-woman when it comes to talking with food in the mouth. Fine, some bits fly onto other’s plates but hey, that much less fatty food enters me then, isn’t it?

Just one principle I follow in my talk-life - I never talk behind turned backs. What’s the point when the winning dog from the dog show isn’t listening to what the bitch thinks?

And now to cut this short story shorter.

There is a kind of talking I will never do again, and that is for an interview which is being recorded.

Ishaan Lalit, from Sixth World Radio and his brother, Kartik, cornered me like ninjas with free coffee on the table and a cushy 5-star sofa under my derrière and made me talk for three whole hours. From books to writing, geo-politics to Indian politicians, Facebook to blocking, blogging to just bloke-ing, parenting to too-cool-for-school-kinda-topics, I did what I love doing – I talked and talked and talked. But, listening to myself talk on a radio is a different doll game altogether. 

Of course I don’t sound like a fool. It was my first time with a dictaphone before me and a video being shot clandestinely (I should have worn my pearls, really!) and truth be told it was quite a lot of fun. But like I said, when sight becomes hind, even a talker like me may want to kick her own behind for saying things as if she was out of her mind. And all good things begin with a ‘fore’, not ‘hind’. (Holy Haiku! Did all this just rhyme?)

Never again will I get interviewed, recorded and video-graphed at the same time. So let me just say here, I’m never ever doing that again! (For relaxation of this rule, contact me at thetalker@icantalk.ikid with crisp notes!) 

Here is the link to a 6 minute video for readers of my blog. Since the deed was done, I might as well go down in full public view. Down. And down. And further down into the sea of embarrassment. Till no one can see my red face.

But now you know what I will do when I am on the seabed. Talk, of course. How else do you think you can hear me right now?



PS - Before I stop, here is the link to the full podcast. Okay, now I stop.


[WordPress Daily Prompts : 365 Writing Prompts. The prompt for today was - Have you ever gone to a new place or tried a new experience and thought to yourself, “I’m never doing that again!” Tell us about it.]


43 comments:

  1. Sakshi, I enjoyed your piece on talking (maybe because I am a talker myself, :) and proud of it!) And I also had fun listening to you! I think humour is your true forte, judging from what I just read, and the most difficult genre to write! Kudos, and I would love to follow your blog! Keep up the good work!

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    1. I am a Jane of all trades, Deepti, and Mistress of none (since I love my Master enough). :D
      I really wonder what my forte is. Maybe I should look for it. But I do agree with you that humour is a most difficult genre to write.
      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  2. haha...you are funny n wise and the more I am reading/listening/watching I am liking it ;)

    Now this may sound like someone stalking ya...but hey I am just a reader na commenting like any normal citizen :)

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    1. Oo, do I see love in your eyes? ;)
      Hehe! Thanks, Ruchira. That's a mighty sweet thing to say. I don't mind you stalking as long as you keep finding me funny and wise. I hope this infatuation never ends.
      No, you are no longer just a reader. You are much more! ;)

      Delete
  3. What’s the point when the winning dog from the dog show isn’t listening to what the bitch thinks?.. Awesome lines..Loved everything in there..If I ever suffer a writer's block all I have to do is pick a line from your post and interpret it in my style...

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    1. :D That feels flattering. Would love to read your interpretations, Salesh.
      Thanks for stopping by! :)

      Delete
  4. You sound very much like my husband. That shower bit is also very similar but only my husband will be in the shower and me in front of facebook This facebook thing has made him so annoyed that I am not able to speak to him 'all the time', sometimes I have to remind him that I never spoke that much anyway. I dont need any background noise at home. Fortunately while I am typing here, he is still asleep as it is just 6 in the morning. But if he was awake, then I would take more time to write this. But I like him like that. Like a contrast to my dull ways towards life

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    1. Ha ha ha! By now he must have woken up and spoken a few million words.(just going by my ticker, since you say he's like me!) :D
      I am sure if my husband was here he would say 'he likes me like that...a contrast to my dull ways'. Or would he? :P
      Thanks, Bhavana. Enjoyed your comment.

      Delete
  5. That was an insightful interview indeed :) It was great hearing your voice, helped me know you so much more .. and yes now that I have heard it, I can imagine all the talking as well :)

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    1. :D Really, we must meet. Don't leave anything to imagination for too long.
      Whenever in Delhi, we will talk. :D
      Love.

      Delete
  6. Ha, talk you will and how you've talked in that interview, I guess Ishaan and Kartik were in their elements when they put you at ease. Although I have just about finished the first 30 mins, it's been a riot so far and I seriously have to pull out time to listen to the rest as well.

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    1. They did put me at ease. I will talk much slower by the end of the interview, if you get around to that, that is! :D
      Thanks, Jai.

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  7. ROFL! Awesome post, and I did love the conversation you had with the boys. thetalker@icantalk.ikid is wonderful, I think it would make a wonderful twitter handle

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    1. :D Ha ha. Don't give me ideas. Your boys left me with a bag full of them anyway - ALL making me feel so vain.
      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  8. And I am wondering...why are you sitting like a pregnant lady in that video? And no, I didn't mean one with pregnant pauses, for there were none to be found. And why would there be any anyway - you did say you like to talk!

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    1. Hai? Am I? *checks* Oh. not at all. Pregnant women sit bang in the middle of sofas, legs slightly apart, owning their kingdom with arms alternating between the belly and the arm rests. Look at me. I'm sitting huddled up in one corner of a gargantuan sofa, clutching on it's arm for dear life and deliverance. See? I'm not pregnant. This proved! :D
      Yes, no pauses. I filled all of them up. :P

      Delete
  9. I'm trying to imagine a Sakshi who doesn't talk much. Nope, can't think of it. In fact, that would make it so unlike the Sakshi we (@VEGAS 2.0) would know. As one of the few people from the online world that I've actually "TALKED" to rather than just "chatted", I can say, it's always a pleasure to talk to you. Of course, it helps that you know to say the right thing at the right time. As for the interview, I haven't watched it full yet - but the 20 minutes that I did see was interesting and you seem to be in your element - comfortably talking away. Only sensible stuff of course:)

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    1. :D Yes, from the first phone call to the most recent one - I have been talking at mach speeds. Good things, of course! :D
      Yes, in the interview I had to try very hard to sound sane, not jump up the sofa and use it as a trampoline, stop blushing that the rose on the table was the colour of my clothes, make sure I did knock my coffee off the table with me hands movements, etc. Phew. So THIS is how my 'element' comes out. :D
      Sid buddy, thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  10. That's such a nice interview ! Very nice to see you in person and as Seeta said its good to hear you as it makes knowing blogger more personal. I rate writing humor quite difficult..I take the longest for my humor posts..and your tongue in cheek humor really is amazing !

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    1. We'll meet in person one day too, I'm sure. I would like to meet you, considering you read me even more than I read myself! :)
      Thanks for liking the post. Usually, I resort to such when time is short. Then, I drop my thinking cap and dance on the table to write something down. This is what happens. :D
      Lots of love.

      Delete
  11. AWESOMEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee.... after seeing that interview first of let me say one thing, and I dont mean it in any way other than what i felt.. You speak so WELL.. I was also going to say your english is so good :) the reason being , I landed at heathrow airport first time and after a few initial the normal question , name ,reason for coming, what will i do.. THe first proper line of conversation I had with a GORI :) .. and what she said was "OH your english is good".. yes Duhhhhhhhh we indians do know how to talk in english :)

    Not sure why i mentioned that .. I think since you wrote a whole big post on Talking I need to write a post on this, that i sometimes mention or write things after reading a post which later i think, why i mentioned it ...

    anyway .. going back to YOU :) see i started talking of me again above he he he he :)
    and it was good to see you as a person , (i dont know what i mean here but i hope you get my point) , and seeing you talking and smiling etc makes me think that I now know you a bit more ..

    Congrats and well done :)

    Bikram's

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    1. I should have dedicated this post to you, Bikram. Your comments are always posts in themselves, and I love each and everyone of them. Like this here with the multiple eee and EEE adding to it's length. I could hear you talk this out. See you eyes widen with naughtiness at the 'GORI' (shameless you are!) and shrug your shoulders at the 'duhhhhh' (another 'h' and it would have been mistaken for a burp)

      Keep mentioning whatever you will. Doesn't the post say ignore the sight which come in 'hind'? :P

      You doubted if I was a person? :O Would be interesting to know what you thought I was. :D Yes, a face and a talking mouth has been attached to the posts you have been so regularly reading. So yes, you may now proclaim to the world that you know me. :D

      Delete
  12. This was the most interesting and humorous post I have read till date.
    You are a master of words :)

    And though you tried to sound as if you make no sense when you 'talk', I'd like to contradict it. I was all ears to whatever you said when we met and it's not gonna change in our next meet or the one after that or for that matter, any!

    You know what, you should go on and on talking and blogging because reading your posts helps me structure my sentences better :)

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    1. Oh come on, Tanya! Really? Thanks! :D

      I am sure we were both trying to put our best foot forward - me trying to sound sensible and you showing patience for my nonsense - when we first met. I sure hope we meet many many times not just to be sane and patient again but insane and wild too. :D

      You are the one in the Kreative Korner. I'm the one lost 'Between Write and Wrong'. Lots of love, darling. You made my day!

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  13. Blessed with such a sweet gentle voice, you should talk. No kid-ding!
    Love the way you conduct yourself so gracefully. Keep talking, keep chirping.
    On a personal note, public speaking remains my worst nightmare.

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    1. I have to thank the radio for sweetening my voice. At home, I can quite bellow like a Punjabi gone berserk, Alka. :D But I know you mean what you say and I thank you so so much.
      I think for about 5 minutes we will be doing some public speaking on the 14th. I am not looking forward to that part of the launch, at all.
      Thanks for being here, Alka.

      Delete
  14. I saw this one on Ishaan's timeline I think. I loved it then. Though I am yet to watch the full interview, going by this short snippet, it sure is awesome. And this 6 minute video - I fully agree with you when you say, we lack good informed feedback to improve ourselves as fiction writers. As for the introductory post - I guffawed reading it. My morning blues melted away :)

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    1. Ah! Loved reading your comment. Good to know you are with me when I say I could do with more informed writing company around. Even better to know I managed to melt your morning blues away! :)
      Thank you, Rajrupa.

      Delete
  15. You should keep talking ..WHY??
    Cos we love to listen to you !

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    1. And I LOVE you, for this and for what you said on my FB wall. :) <3

      Delete
  16. Brilliant writing! I understand every word indeed because I too am the talkative one. The one on teachers hit list and always outstanding of the class literally .

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    1. Yes, I was an out-standing student too, and sometimes the bin-stander. :P Especially physics classes which should never have been invented in the first place. :D
      Thank you for reading, Neha. Good to see you here!

      Delete
  17. Loved this post..How beautifully you write Sakshi! By the way I always thought you were the quiet kind but after seeing the video and reading the post I know otherwise :D

    Random Thoughts Naba - Trivialize No More!...

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    1. :D After you meet me, you will know even more, Lots of 'even more'
      Thanks for being here, Naba.

      Delete
  18. I loved this post. The video is a different level of amazing. You should talk a lot more, I will definitely be listening :)

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  19. Totally Awesome. Keep writing. I mean talking, oh wait! That you're going to do anyway, you must already be doing that, and why should you not? cuze hey, you love it and so back to, keep writing :D

    Oh btw! Before I close in, congratulations for so many things and Spicy Saturday too :)

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    1. :) Thank you and thank you! :)
      Good to spot you here!

      Delete
  20. Sakshi Nanda, aap bohot bolti hai! One of ur best posts or put in another way, you raise the stocks every time, you come up with something new. You are your own competition. I dare you to call me kind coz im being honest. I was just chatting with a friend, telling her to read u..shez like, I follow her and is there anyone who is not a fan of Sakshi Nanda? Spot on! U should scare away CB! lolzz
    I loove the excerpt of the interview and would love to see u as a TV anchor. You rock, Sakshi Nanda.
    Congrats for the Spicy Saturday:)

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    1. There are MANY who are not my fans. I can send you a list if you want, VIshal. :D
      You always make my day with your comments. :)

      Delete
  21. The post might have given me a shiny pond on my head....but I do not mind that one bit. That much awesome you are.
    Only drugs can give someone the visions you gave while reasons this post...DAMN! Man with a carom board chest :D

    The video shows someone who is graceful and comfortable. I like that. Keep talking :)

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    1. Ha ha ha ha. I like the drugs part. :D
      Thanks, Red. I will, keep talking that is. :D

      Delete
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