Thursday, 8 May 2014

For all my bros: G-spot in(Scent)ives



Myself Bunty. Only day before yesterday, I shaved off my wiry chest hair. I was told waxing it will be like 237 butter knives cutting up my chest. Together. So I did not have the guts to enter Hero Hira Lal Saloon for Menz. Shaving was not as Presto as those razor people make you believe so it took time, and my mother almost broke the bathroom door down banging on it. But not her fault. She wanted eggs from the market for a breakfast of anda bhurji. (She makes it very nicely. In ghee. Proper Punjabi. But let me get to the point.)

I needed a soft smooth chest to go with my image personality image which has developed manifold recently. More development my personality has seen than what developed countries saw in the past 3 years. Combined. So, I broke away all top buttons of all my shiny shirts for a clear view. (Mummy insists on sewing them back, but their popping is no coincidence). Today, I confidently say that I am a complete man of substances. Gelled hair with spikes, jeans with thunder marks on thighs and bullet tacks belt with pointed boots, one chain in neck one on wrist, a tattoo of skull and bones on biceps and finally, a shaved chest. Totally tip top macho with face shined up!

You see, I have become quite a heart throb wherever I go. When I walk past women, any age or stage, they go into orgasmic convulsions. They take deep breaths a couple of times, then start panting with heads slightly tilted backwards, eyes closed, a sudden gust of wind playing I spy with their hair and when the nasal ecstasy ends, they start seeking me with unmatched desperation. Like bees to honey, or flies to motichoor laddoos in my favourite Roshan Sweat Shop.

The first time it happened, I ran home scared, thinking those women were fainting on smelling my socks in the Metro and then coming to beat me up. But the next day itself, I got promoted to Mr. Dewd in my friend circle, with all kinds of mythical stories getting attached to any and all appendages of mine, however unrelated to the nose.  And however unused.

And then it struck me, like a pebble another pebble in a game of pithoo that this was thanks to a manipulative genius of mine. I made an invention. It’s my 20-something life’s most significant secret, so I’m going to tell you in hushed whispers.

I have invented a magical potion to spray all over my body. Yes.

Here’s the story …

One day, a few weeks back, in between enjoying mummy’s favourite soaps and dum aalo I saw all these adverts on TV showing how a single application of a deodorant leads to women falling head over heels, literally, for the guy who used them, even if the guy is still in his tadpole-using-calamine-on-pimples stage. Taking off saris, opening wet hair and all, jumping through windows or even down from high buildings. Only and only because of the guy’s deodorant which tickled their G-spot located deep up inside their noses.

Then, just after the night-long jagran mummy loves to organize was over, an idea descended into my head from the Godly clouds above. I thought to myself, if one deodorant has the power to make women go so crazy, what will happen if I mixed two up? Or even three? So what did I do? I bought Axe and Denver and Wild Horse from my left over Rakhi money. I collected them (mostly gas!) into a coffee shaker till the cans were empty, then did shake-shake to them to the tune of ‘Ketchup Song’. No lyrics needed. Then, I transferred the solution into an empty cologne bottle, an original Huge Bose from Palika. It shone like good whisky. I swear.

And the effects of using just a drop of it? Priceless! Way beyond what you can ever imagine even. And no, it’s not just about women any more.

Hear this!

As soon as Chaubey uncle handed me the eggs, I felt a sudden shiver in the packet which held them. I looked around Tilak Nagar, West Delhi, thinking it must be an earthquake. Or a tsunami. No one else seemed to have noticed. It was the eggs, belly dancing making hoopla rings all 6 of them. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I stood back and watched. They came near my chest. I moved back more. They neared. And then, all cracked open instantly on smelling my sexy smell. The chicks, it seems, just couldn’t control themselves. (Mummy was very angry that day, screaming something about 5 bucks an egg and inflation and breakfast and something something.) But me? I was super happy. I just realized how successful my experiment of mixing those deodorants had been. Finally, I drove cutie pie chicks crazy!

Another one comes to mind. It was my 21st happy birthday so I wore my favourite white button down with buttons down to meet some friends for mall-ing around. I reached before anyone else so excited I was. So I thought I will go to the men’s room, wet my gelled hair a bit. Make the spikes afresh. Maybe do susu also. And you know what happened? I was walking to the men’s loo, swinging my hips like a happy birthday boy’s when I hear a strange tap tap sound behind me. No, it wasn’t my heels. I looked back, with my usual style. The board of the ladies loo, ‘She’ with a tiny hourglass female figure, had come off the door as I passed it. It was following me, hungry to be in my arms. The aisle was empty and I rubbed my eyes, for this time I couldn’t believe my own magnetism which was attracting that brass ‘She’. And suddenly, it stuck to me. Somewhere around my belly button. Imagine! A board which only read ‘she’. Not even a real her. What have I invented, man!

Of course, tender aged minds could be reading this so I cannot tell you the effects on real women, of just a whiff of my experiment. But I will end with a message for all boys. Just remember, bros. You don’t need the face or the brains, you don’t need money or cars. Why, you could be toads (those irreversible variety) with an extra dose of warts for all it matters. As long as you smell like a whole pack of agarbatti and 2 types of Odonil combined. Women will simply kiss the ground your incensed armpits walked over. Such power lies in my tiny bottle. Make yours, today!

But shh. It’s a secret between us and the bottle I have named ‘Poten-she’.

By the way, I’m planning to drink it up next! Oh G, sounds exciting already, mummy swear!

[The prompt for today was - Evasive Action - What’s the most significant secret you’ve ever kept? Did the truth ever come out?]





60 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha...that was hilarious. And I was worried about what's it that you have written on G-Spots. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Reks! :D
      I hope you are not worried any more. ;)

      Delete
  2. Hilarious! It reminded me of axe boat party ad while reading this.. Superb post.

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  3. This is so funny! The chicks, belly dancing? Hahaha :D :D

    A superb satirical take on the men's deodorant ads! :)

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  4. Enjoyed your take on this prompt...hilarious yet canny ;)

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha, thanks a ton, Ruchira for reading and liking it! :D

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  5. Lovely, have been waiting for someone to take on the deodorant ads with this kind of biting sarcasm!!!

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    Replies
    1. Just hope it didn't bite the guys I speak about. :D
      Thanks for reading, Jai.

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  6. hahaha :D G spots would have never been this titillated.

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    1. Haha, love your witty one, Jas. :D

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  7. I really like the way you twist and tweak the prompts...to create such hilarious posts :) I always wait to see what the prompt is and the different angle that you pluck from that.

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    1. Oh you made my day by saying that, S. I do try very hard to keep it different from the usual, but I'm sure it falls flat many a time. However, revelling in your feedback today. :D
      Love.

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  8. Oh sakshi, u write so naturally. This was a damn hilarious post. Too good

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  9. (Check out: A very informative website on personality training - group discussion and interviews! management and banking aspiring youth must check out! www.gdpitrainers.com)

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  10. This was one hilarious post, I personally am disgusted by those deo ads that show women swooning over men who use the Ad. I mean, Can't they think of any selling point that they resort to such ads?Even if they can't portray their point creatively, it's fine. There's no need to stoop so low. Every single one of them.

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    Replies
    1. Every single one of them, indeed.
      Good to see you here, Keirthana.

      Delete
  11. wow!!.. These deo makers think the G-spot lies in nose, and so does the modern munda .. lol ..
    Loved it ... :)

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    1. Uf, seriously. Modern Munda is a good coinage for who I had in mind when I wrote this. :D

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  12. Hahaha mister Dewd wonly!!! :D

    Lovely post Sakshi, totally loved it!! Bunty G ki jai, mummy swear!

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    Replies
    1. :D Jai jai, indeed!
      Thanks a lot, Soumya!

      Delete
  13. Really .. you promise that .. ahmm ahmmm I need some of that then , who knows it just MIGHT WORK :)

    havent you seen the LYNX Effect or Affect whatever it is ..

    thank you for the laughs for TOday :)


    Bikram

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    Replies
    1. No, I didn't promise it. The kracter in my story did. :D
      Good to see everyone laughing. Life's good!

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    2. ah ha clever clever ...
      and yes laugh and smile as it makes the day go faster .. and do i need that .. I DO.. after the chaos we are having with stupid people around ..

      Delete
  14. Oh my! Two types of agarbattis and one Odonil? Those Axe makers must be overselling their product!
    Frankly, my armpits have never left home without it. Your post finally explains that brass-on-granite clanging sound that I routinely hear when I am at a posh place!

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    1. You are Axe-ed when you come for our lunches? :O

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  15. Whatta G-er Sakshi Nanda..Mere dimaag ki Aanda kahan gaya re!! I am in splits and held myself tight so that I don't fall off my sofa..My laughter quotient for today is done and time for you to invent a special perfume with Anda and rake fortune for urself and Gupta uncle..I'll be a loyal customer, I swear::) Blaze from the past:)

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    Replies
    1. :D I don't have the bottle. The hero of the post does. :D
      Thanks for reading, Vishal. :)

      Delete
  16. A super lol post sakshi
    Sarcasm at its best. U may look like toad with extra warts but u shud smell like odonil / agarbatti
    YUCK!
    Good mockery . I am so glad some one wrote this mocking those stupid ads. I specially hate that biting choc of axe deo ad
    They banned it in some places I gues!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, they did, Afshan. I find these adverts demeaning.
      Thanks a lot for reading ans liking this, :)

      Delete
  17. Mantastic blog post, simply mantastic. I am in splits.

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    1. I especially kept 'mantastic' out of this. I LOVE Milind Soman too much to drag him into this. :D
      Glad you liked it. It was crazy crazy crazy how this got done.

      Delete
  18. Myself Poornima thinks you did a Mantastic job with this prompt. I like Milind Soman too :)

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    1. We can share, Poornima. Sharing is caring! :D

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  19. I just swooned...my nasal g-spot went va va vroom!

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    1. Teeheehee.
      Good to see you here, Janu.

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  20. I was totally rolling on the floor laughing!! This is absolutely hilarious!! Awesome...

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  21. This was hilarious! My imaginations took me far and wild. :D Love the sarcasm.

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    1. Ha ha ha. May we please have a post about that 'far and wild' trip, Pooja? :D
      Love that you read. :)

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  22. hahahahahaah......bought three deos with rakhi money...bwhahahaha
    You are onr funny woman!

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    Replies
    1. :D My husband keeps repeating that too. Especially when I ask for his credit card. :P
      Thanks, Red. :)

      Delete
  23. Laugh riot. The G spot in the nose...ohh you witty girl!

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    Replies
    1. Exhilarated that YOU called me witty, you Queen of Wit! :D

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  24. Full of (New)Spice:) Hilarious! Wonderfully written!!

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  25. Have been thinking why these deo ads are created in the same series! Loved the post. Its hilarious at the same time thought provoking.

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    1. Thanks a lot for reading, Krishna. :)

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  26. Brilliant, I actually wrote one on Deo & soft drink ads. Check it out
    http://prakhargupta11.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/what-is-wrong-with-ads/

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    Replies
    1. I am going to read your post too, Prakhar.
      Thanks for stopping by! :)

      Delete
  27. first time visiting your blog Sakshi ji :)
    wonderful reflection post,

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    1. Thanks a lot. Hope to see you more often. :)

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  28. really hilarious. your imagination is fabulous.

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    1. :D My teachers used to say the same about my imagination when I was bunking all of my Maths and most of my physics classes. :D
      Thanks for reading, Tulasi.

      Delete
  29. ROFL! From now on I don't think I can ever watch a Men's deo Ad keeping a straight face :P All thanks to you Sakshi! :)

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  30. I love to read all your blogs...Wonderful note of sarcasm in your expressions...You are are genuinely witty and pretty...!!! :-)

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